Well that was interesting...

Had an intense conversation with The Other Half last night. Finally had some sh** click in my brain that should have clicked ages ago. I'm feeling rather slow, when I know I'm really not. I know better, it's just horrible that I've let this go on so long. Now I get to fight my monster sized apathy, and tendencies towards depression, and get my future back on track. It's tempting, oh so very tempting, to want to throw myself a pity party and self-abuse poetry slam (or whatever) for letting this happen. Can't. Not productive. Waste of precious time. Need to start living like I'm going to die, because who the hell wants to go out as a tech support agent. I'm supposed to be a Chartered Accountant, dammit.

This may mean some anti-socialist.... er... hang on not what I mean... I mean I may be a little more antisocial for the next little while, at least in some circles. I have a night shift for this month, so that leaves me lots of time during the day to get my crap on track. Have to get back to daily goal lists, living life like I'm back at school or in an office. Plan it out. I can do this. I'm not a child. I have to put the big-girl panties back on.

I am having a hard time remembering the last time I thought this coldly, this rationally. I feel a real disconnect from my emotions. It's kind of scary. I know why I'm doing it: if I get wrapped up in my emotions I'm just going to go all emo and depressive and start creating bullcrap drama.

I hate being female. I hate being so emotional. I can't stand my inability to function because of emotions weighing down on me so much and so often. How I wish, some days, that I could just be a man, with the ability to think linearly, logically, all the time. To naturally deny emotion, shun it, deride it in many cases.

Can't help the way I'm made. If wishes were horses and all that cockamamie bullcrap.

I haven't knit anything but the sock in a while. The knitting games are starting to look like a crapshoot. It's almost a waste of my time to even think about starting. No doubt that's the heat talking and as soon as I get paid, I'm fixing that by splurging on an air conditioner.

Furthermore, I'm exhausted beyond all belief. It's not going to get any better until the start of this post gets moving.

Dangerous thoughts keep lurking. They're all nasty bad evil dark mean little buggers of voices that I had thought I had chained up in the deep dungeons of my psyche to die. I don't know how else to kill them except starvation.... Everytime I walk past though, as warden, making my rounds to be sure no one has escaped, they come whispering out of the murk.

Crap on a sh** stick I need to sleep. If I'm waxing this poetic about negative thoughts, what the hell else am I capable of?

Day 13: Do you have yarn that you love but you can't find a project for?

Yep, so far everything out of my random fandom club from the wonderful Nerd Girl Yarns. Jeez with the amount I talk about her here, you'd think I'd be getting paid advertising or something. Don't think I'd take it though. The blog isn't read enough yet, and I'm just a newbie still, by comparison, when it comes to knitting.

Some of that stash though may just be gifted outright to those who will also love it, possibly more.