It was fine until I hit the wall. I was producing, the words were flowing, everything was going great, and then WHAM. Wall. Not writer's block, no. Something more insidious.
Ignorance.
The ignorance, willful or otherwise, of the general populous. People that buy things and allow them to be installed in their home without learning how to use them, how to maintain them, or how to set them up. Then the follow through of that state of bliss is the entitlement. That "I can't do this so dammit someone should do it for me... for free, because I don't think I should have to pay someone to do something I can't be arsed to learn".
I can only hope that some day an application will pan out, and I can go back to pretending that people like that don't exist. It is a sad state the world is in, it truly is.
On the lighter side of the news: I did get a whole lot of writing done on my book thing. Well, I say a whole lot, but it really doesn't look like much on paper. No pictures. Gotta arrange that once I get more of the draft going. I did let some snippets out into the world as a part of my self-validation campaign (I needed praise, I wasn't in a good place that day), and was told that I was wrong as wrong could be: what I write is not shit only fit for burning and burying at a crossroads so it cannot harm the general populace. Apparently I just wrote a first draft. From what the test audience said, it's supposedly a good first draft with an exciting direction. And I'm never allowed to refer to this work as anything other than a first draft anymore.
Point and hint taken. I will be less harsh on myself and I will write more.
On the knitting side of things: I'm working on a different shawl now, this one seems to be going better than the first or second shawls I have attempted. I think that's because the first shawl I attempted was started with some mystery fibre in butter yellow. The second shawl is some serious lace, with all kinds of charts that I am having a hard time following. I'll get them both done eventually, but this third one is a whole lot of stockinette so far, interspersed with rapid areas of increases. Not bad. Learning the best way to do a M1. I'm liking the lifted bar M1 so far. Or at least what I'm doing and calling a lifted bar. The yarn is delicious, too. Definitely glad I picked up that destash offer and got the second skein. It's knitting up lovely.
Yes I'll post pictures when I can.
To close this, I'm going to take a moment to relieve some of the stress and pressure of the thoughts on my mind. Feel free to stop reading here. This next part will be a pity party of epic proportions where I will hang myself on my ebony cross with my solid gold diamond engraved nails.
I really haven't been able to shake this wretched feeling of the past week. Every day, I find something new to be upset at, something new to be irritated at. Mix this with hormonal shifting of the feminine kind, and my face turning into the disaster of the Exxon-Valdez and it doesn't put me in a good place. I feel gross, like I'm still not well from the bronchitis; my face feels like there's bugs crawling under my skin; and, because I haven't been sleeping well either, I can't wake up to make myself go to the gym to try and take care of myself. Sometimes it feels like I have an answer, and that I know what's wrong and I have fixed it; I can be fit for human consumption again. Then some other teeny little thing sets me off down the roller coaster again.
The worst part is that I can't find a good outlet for it. My twisted little brain thinks that the best way to cope with all this negativity is to create more negativity by lashing out at those I love. TOH and TBF and Princess and Cait and Nikki and Leigh and Krys.... you guys don't deserve that. If this was just some standard bad day stuff, I'd blow off some steam with one of you and it'd be fine. This is some real malicious meanness that wants to crawl out of me, with no true discernible source and, apparently, no end. I'm trying to play nice, but every day that passes makes me want to curl up away from the world to protect you all so I just implode on myself, instead of saying something to cause drama or hurt you. I don't know if that's selfish or not. It's just starting to hurt, wearing this mask of "I'm All Right".
Don't freak out. I'm not stupid, despite what I might think. I'm going to sleep, do what I can to try to take care of myself and make sure that tomorrow is better than today.
Okay, done with all that. It probably sounds like all kinds of "Dammit, tell me I'm pretty!", but I'm only trying to get this out of my system to make some sense show up in my head. Can't keep letting it weigh on me.
Besides, I have buttons to hunt down. That can't be such a bad thing, right?
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